"Get Him Dirty.... Keeps It Dirty"

A few days ago, an old friend of mine contacted me by inbox wanting to talk.  During our conversation, she frustratingly discussed how "she's wasted years on a dead relationship", and "almost lost the good one God blessed her with". You'll get no judgements here, because I too once "chilled on the dark side of relationships" -- but then we grow up, or least we should.

Yes, I understand how men can willfully send "mixed signals", speak double talk, and just be outright evasive -- but that's the area that should make our decision simple -- LEAVE!! I will give a woman "a pass" if she's under 30 (heck, even by age 26 you should know better), but at some point we have to snap out of stupidity and into lucidity! How long will we use the excuses "I thought I was different", "He told me that the [their] relationship is over", "He's really a good man". Let me answer each one of these lies quickly and simply:  You're NOT different -- in fact, from the moment you became intimate with him, you became the same as any other woman.  " Let's be clear -- he's NOT good man. If you equate manipulation, lying, deceit and betrayal as the characteristics that a "good man" posses -- I hate to see what you call a "bad one". 

So he's married or in a relationship and even knowing this, you decide to engage -- because you're different, or maybe you just don't give a damn honestly. There's a modern slang word for that used these days on a host of reality tv shows -- it's called "rachet". According to the Urban Dictionary, the word "rachet" means "crazy" or "nasty" -- in this case she would meet both definitions of the word.  She's crazy to think that the relationship she can have with this unavailable man will be anything but drama and heartbreak; and she's nasty to share a man -- he's not a slice of pizza, or a slice of that delectable brownie sundae you share with a friend -- he's NOT YOURS!!

Let me share a few experiences just in case you're not sold on the idea that you CANNOT make a relationship "clean" if you got it dirty -- it's no different than money laundering -- dirty coming in, dirty going out. The year was back in 1988, about a year after I graduated high school (yes, I'm telling my age, let it be a sign of wisdom), and I started dating Rick (no his name isn't Rick, but for this blog his name is what? Rick). Rick always made a big deal about me staying home because he wanted his woman to be in the house and classy versus hanging out in the street. The REAL REASON why Rick wanted me in the house was that he had a girlfriend -- one that he was dating for about 3 years and everyone in town knew about "Rick and Cara". I had absolutely no reason to believe that he and Cara were still dating as I spent all of my after work hours with him. I did find it strange that we rarely went out in public however, but Rick was a crafty and cunning man where he always had an excuse as to why we didn't go places. By this time I was in love -- well for 19 years old, almost any form of direct attention from a man makes you feel this way. As I began to tell my friends about Rick, they would immediately say "but doesn't he go with Cara?"; I would respond "no they broke up a while ago, we've been dating for about 8 months now". You know when you hear something once, you can sometimes brush it off, but when you're hearing the same thing 2, 3, 4 and 5 times by different people, these are called LIFELINES. Whether we choose to use the lifelines or not is our choice -- many of us choose to live in our own delusion and ignorance just for the sake of avoiding being alone. It was a beautiful day in Morristown, NJ (where I grew up), and I was hanging out with some friends at a popular location, when I was approached by Cara who happened to drive by in a car packed with her friends while I stood on the side of the road talking with friends. She pulls me to the side and asks to speak with me privately and I complied. Looking back now, I can see that Cara was truly trying to handle this situation with the utmost finesse given the circumstances, but I on the other hand was on the offensive and ready "to rock" at a moment's notice. "Are you seeing Rick?" she asked; I responded "ask Rick". "Are you aware that he and I have been dating for years now, and we plan on getting married one day?", I respond "I guess I do now huh?". "And you don't feel bad about any of this now that I've told you everything?", I respond "honestly I don't, now have a nice day, I have to go", and I proudly walked away. Sounds like I told her huh? Not so quick -- Karma is real, and I got my dose not even in a pill form, but intravenously so it hit strong, hard and fast! 

I continued to date Rick, now fully knowing he was in a committed relationship (well partly, because where was HIS commitment), and I decided I would "share" and be "the other girl". Rick and I got closer and closer, and I fell more madly in love with him. Come to think of it, madness does describe my decision and choices to even be involved in this kind of relationship, but then again, I was 19, young and foolish. After a few months of dating our relationship had escalated into a sexual one -- a bond similar to crazy glue -- hard to break even when you're using all you've got to force it apart. Rick and I lived on the same street and he called me early one Saturday morning to meet him at his place so that he could give me a gift. The gift was beautiful -- a 14 carat gold bracelet inscribed "with all my love Rick" -- I was on top of the world and proudly flaunted his gift to everyone, especially the people I knew would tell Cara. What I didn't know was that this bracelet was a bribe -- to buy Rick some more time with me, because that weekend he would take Cara to the Poconos and get engaged. I happened to be visiting with a friend in Union, NJ about a 30 minute drive from my hometown when she gets the call to "tell Penny her boyfriend Rick just proposed and got engaged to Cara in the Poconos" -- I was devastated. I recall trying to drive home and at that time Vesta Williams had a song out ironically called "CONGRATULATIONS", and the words struck my heart like a machete, forget the knife:  

Saw an old friend on the street
She said today's your wedding
My heart stopped
The tears dropped

Saw my whole life pass me by
I had to see you, baby
I never ran so fast before
I rushed inside the chapel door
You were waitin' all alone
You turned around and heard me call

Congratulations
I thought it would have been me
Standin' here with you
Congratulations
I hope you're happy

'Cause as long as I can breathe
You'll always be the one for me

I cried so hard that I could barely drive my car, which at the time was a stick shift. I must have been driving erratically, because a Police Officer pulled me over, but when he approached the car door and saw how obviously distraught I was, he simply told me to pull over into the Dunkin Donuts parking lot and "get myself together before returning to the road to drive home". Needless to say, I had no choice but to leave the relationship, because it clearly had already left me -- in fact, it never was MY RELATIONSHIP, it was all of ours -- his, mine and hers! About 10 months had passed when I was out at a bar with friends and was feeling overwhelmingly lonely, so I decided I was going to drown my sorrows. While I was being successful at drowning, who walks into the bar and sits down a few seats away from me? Cara. Immediately I was reminded not only of my pain, but the obvious pain I must've caused her over a year ago when she confronted me about my relationship with Rick -- an apology was in order. Perhaps if I apologize, through this penance, I would be cleansed of my sins and break the spirit of Karma that was obviously kicking my butt and winning. "Cara, I just wanted to let you know that I was wrong for treating you so badly and a disrespectful coward for continuing in a relationship with Rick once you told me about your relationship with him....would you please forgive me?", I begged. You see -- I got him dirty, and it stayed dirty, even until the very end.

• Old neighbor of mine named Sheila worked with (for) Matt, who was happily married to Karen. They owned a home and had children and seemed very happy. Sheila was an attractive woman always stylish and trendy. Within month of her working under Matt -- she began "working under Matt". Matt left his wife and children and started dating Sheila openly. Now because Sheila was highly respected in the Church, she had to "clean it up" somehow -- so she and Matt were married. The first few years they seemed pretty happy and content, and even I for a moment thought to myself "well maybe this get him dirty stuff doesn't apply to every situation" -- ahhhhh but just wait and keep living a little longer. After 6 years, Sheila and Matt's marriage is over -- she thought in Matt she was getting "a prize" when in fact all she got was a "surprise". Karma wins again.
• My opening story involved my friend Candy who knowingly was dating a married man named Kevin. Kevin would receive telephone calls from his wife asking "where are you?", and he would lie and say he was somewhere else, when the truth was he was at Candy's house, who was his mistress. Eventually Kevin and his wife separated then divorced, which gave Candy the impression "she'd won and can now have Kevin to herself" -- wrong. On at least one occasion, Candy has caught a woman coming out of Kevin's house, whom he quickly clarified as "a friend" -- but it was 2 am, so she's "a friend with benefits". Candy was thrusted into the vicious cycle of on again/off again relationship with Kevin, his unwillingness to commit given was recently divorced. Karma wins again.

I could give COUNTLESS stories of instances where Karma has won.... in my opinion, it will ALWAYS WIN when you get him dirty.........

Where Rihanna Went Wrong

If the year 2009 was anything comparable to the success of 2008 for music giant Rihanna, she would clearly need an "Umbrella" from making it rain. Who would've expected (or thought) that her highly admired and closely watched relationship with Chris Brown could turn so ugly -- and faster than you can say "Disturbia!!" 

The old adage says "there's a THIN line between love and hate" and it couldn't be more true. Naturally, many women were outraged (and rightly so) at the physical abuse reported continuously on worldwide news outlets. Then we were bombarded with the "leaked" photos, some claim were fake or altered, some say were the real thing, showing a disfigured Rihanna, badly bruised and scared with the emotional hurt written over her face where if words could talk, I'm sure it would have read "is this REALLY happening to ME??!!" Unfortunately, yes, it DID happen to you Rihanna, and physical abuse/domestic violence happens to hundreds of thousands of women every day. In fact, over 600,000 women are domestic violence victims each year. In a nutshell, one out of every four women will experience some form of physical abuse -- that's 25% of us. 

In 2013, we learned that Rihanna and Chris Brown had reconciled, and in fact, rekindled their relationship -- this is where Rihanna went wrong, and not for the reason(s) you think. Although I'm a big fan of Chris Brown, I do not in any way condone any type of abuse -- physical or emotional. However, the intricacies and intimacies of relationships are very tricky, where in any relationship you experience both highs and lows -- we tend to share "the lows" more often than the highs and these are the thoughts we as friends (or the public and media) are stuck with -- sometimes forever. A man can be one of the most caring, sweet, unselfish boyfriend or husband, yet that one time when he was unable to control his anger and called you "a whore" or cursed you out -- and we shared this with a friend or the world, he is forever deemed a monster. Yes, some ARE monsters -- but for the most part, they're simply -- wait for it -- HUMAN. 

Yes Rihanna SHOULD HAVE sought medical attention; Yes Rihanna SHOULD HAVE filed a Police Report; Yes Chris Brown SHOULD HAVE been arrested, plead guilty to, and ordered mandatory Domestic Violence Counseling; but what Rihanna SHOULD NOT have done, was let the world know the intimate details of their relationship until she was over being angry -- whether she decided to reconcile with Chris or not -- reacting out of anger always equals the wrong decision. Simply put, when this horrific event happened, Rihanna spoke openly to the media touting how much "she hated Chris Brown" -- and the sympathetic public full of empathetic women, hated him as well. Then something happened -- which NATURALLY happens over time -- you heal; As more time passed, and the distance between she and Chris prolonged, she was able to move beyond her "emotional decisions" to a place where she can make clear headed choices. Her choice? to forgive Chris Brown -- not so easy for the millions of people that you have invited into your world whose hearts were still bleeding for you -- they wanted blood, justice and a life of misery for Chris.

I understand and "get" Rihanna's decision 100%, and if the truth be told by women (versus piling into the group think band wagon), they'd admit it too -- they would've forgiven Chris Brown as well, and a majority of them would've returned into a relationship with him. Love can be wild, passionate and sometimes even crazy -- you don't have to agree or get it, but it JUST IS with an AMEN (whether you think so or not in my late Pastor's voice). See we ALL have skeletons and trash in our closets -- they're in the closet so that no one from the outside can see that you have unresolved issues, old wounds, deceit, betrayal, and secrets; but if we knew about them wouldn't our opinion change? Of course they would -- this is what I'm saying about Rihanna and Chris' relationship. 

So whether they decide to stay reunited or break up -- it's THEIR CHOICE and THEIR BUSINESS. They've got to live for themselves and remember that NONE OF US have a heaven or a hell to put them into. It's called "DO YOU", and regardless what you decide Rihanna -- Please don't stop the music!

Affairs of the Heart (Private Hells)

Seems like we have a lot of  "Houdini Marriages" these days.... it's all a grand illusion, where nothing is as it appears. The combination of smiles and happiness are only "smoke and mirrors" -- can you see clearly through it all? I can't.

I've been accused by many as "being too transparent" in my marriage, citing controversial posts I've made in the past on Facebook. Granted, I may have taken my civil liberties using the expression of free speech to the extreme -- pushing sometimes what may appear to be irreconcilable boundaries, but that's who I am. I cannot appear to be something that I'm not. If I'm unhappy in my marriage, then I say so; there's no illusion to my misery. I decided from Day 1 of my marriage that I refused to live in a "private hell". My husband knew this before saying "I do" and placing that ring on my finger symbolizing a never-ending bond. Now the real question most likely was "did he think I had the guts to follow through?" -- Yes I did.

Make no mistake, I'm not saying I'm unhappy in my marriage, in fact, FINALLY after almost 7 years of being married, I'm loving him more than I ever COULD HAVE on my wedding day. I use the word "could have" because at that time, on my wedding day, I selfishly was fulfilling my longing desire to be married. Yes, I did love my husband, but I truly "fell in love with him" much later. It's because I had to "let me go" -- all the selfish reasons that led up to me standing on that altar next to him and committing my life to him, and that took -- time. Honestly, how easy could it be for a woman marrying at the age of 36 to let go of being in control, when she already had four children, raising them as a single parent? You don't look at a body builder's physique and think it "just appeared" -- it was the perfection of that which was built over time. The same held true for my independence and strength -- it was the culmination of heartache, heartbreak, pregnancy, labor, delivery, loss, despair, homelessness, unemployment, despair, injustice, incarceration, judgment, rehabilitation, repentance, reconciliation, rejoicing, and then -- release and letting go. Many people have had similar journeys, but not all will cross the finish line as they have checked out early in the race, because they lacked one thing -- faith; Faith that one day "it can get better"; The faith that one day "I can be better".

So what we have instead, is a society where countless marriages are a farce -- whether they are a famous celebrity or your local hometown couple, are as real as unicorns -- or that swallowing gum will take years for your body to digest -- or throwing a coin off the Empire State Building could kill someone. I think you get my point.

To some, it is more important to "save face" and "keep up appearances"; they can't face the fact (to themselves) or others that they may have ---- wait for it --- married the wrong person. So instead, they opt to live not only a marriage that's a lie, but a life that's a lie. Oh they know how to smile, even use a pseudo-emotion of affection when using the words "my husband" or "my wife" in a conversation, but in reality it full of emptiness, because the marriage -- is empty. 

I recall being at a function in Connecticut recently, where a question was posed to the couples in the arena, where they were asked "would you give you life for your husband (wife)". Without hesitation, my husband and I looked at each other, and knew INSTANTLY, without hesitation, we would. We understood that without the other, a part of us would die that day, so who died was of little consequence -- we were one. What was interesting was observing the response of one couple, who had "the appearance" of strong marriage -- they were completely silent. It wasn't a situation either where the wife quickly responded "yes, of course" and there was a delay on the husband's side (or vice versa), but one where NEITHER reacted. Damn.

Now I try extremely hard not only not to listen to gossip, but also not to engage in it as well. Gossip is a dangerous drug; I call it a drug, because if you try it once, there's a strong chance of future addiction. There is some information, however, you hear (whether you decide to listen is totally voluntary), that contains the truth. So I hear "rumblings" of certain fake marriages, and I keep going about my business, because that's YOUR business; but what I don't like is when you put on this theatrical performance at various engagements, post on social media platforms, or in the Church. Yes, I know you're probably thinking "who the hell does Penny think she is?" Sorry, this is my blog, and quite honestly, I think I'm pretty important. My point: stop being fake, it is what it is; and if the gossip that precedes you is true, DO NOT go on social media speaking about marriages as if you're the authority -- you need to be a client. 

So where my transparency in my own marriage may have appeared to be the wrong moves to others, for me it was quite therapeutic. One, I'm not one to keep my feelings bottled up; the times that I have, have proven to be quite toxic and lethal -- not only to myself, but unfortunately to the ones that I love. Secondly, I have to stay true to myself; and that meant my keeping a promise to myself that I will never, ever, be in a private hell (again). You see, in my past, if I was stronger and spoke out against the atrocities in my life while in a relationship with my children's father who was a heroin addict, I would've let someone know we were hungry -- but I couldn't because I was embarrassed; or that we were being evicted, but I couldn't because I was embarrassed; or hurting -- but I couldn't because I was embarrassed. And so I sat -- in my private hell -- and smiled.

I'm not in any way telling anyone "to leave your husband (wife"), but I'm telling you to be strong and take control. Abuse happens when the abuser knows that he (she) has not only physical, but emotional control over their victim. Simply put, when a woman allows a man to play upon on her insecurities and fears of public embarrassment and humiliation, she now becomes his new tenant in a private hell. I've been evicted before, so I'll gladly pack my bags with this one.  

Penny Says.... HELLO AND WELCOME TO MY WORLD!!

Well today is the day -- June 3, 2013. "What day is it?" you ask -- it's the day that I FINALLY STOP PROCRASTINATING and get this blog up and running!! I've tried a brief stunt (actually it was only one time I posted on FB using the "notes" option), but I failed about being consistent. Honestly, doesn't "inconsistency" account for 99% of why we oftentimes fail at things? ... but there's a cure for inconsistency, and it's called "effort", so today I will attempt to make this part of my life work.

I have been encouraged for YEARS to blog, host my own television show, write a book, etc, because of the MANY thoughts and the raw expression of those thoughts I use when posting on social media forums such as Facebook and Twitter. Some will even say that I am a "Facebook junkie" -- I can post up to 10 or more posts per day, then I was introduced to Twitter by a friend -- why did she EVER decide to do that.

So WELCOME TO MY WORLD -- and boy can it be a tumultuous one at that! 

On Friday, May 31st, I turned 44 years old -- yes I know, I know, besides the weight I don't look 44 -- that's because "good Black don't crack" -- now I KNOW that's a little funny saying
Black people often use -- but it's true.  Something about our skin keeps us looking ageless.... but enough about that until a future time (I could go on and on forever). I am the mother of four (4) children ages 27, 21, 20 and 19 and the proud grandmother of a grandson Joshua who just turned 5 years old. In 2005, after raising my children for the majority of their childhood as a single parent, I met my gorgeous husband Antonio, and in September of 2006 we were married. To-date, we have no biological children together, but our one-year window has just started where we plan to get pregnant via IVF in September, 2013 provided I secure full-time employment and lose 25 more pounds.

You'll learn more about me along the way -- I've learned that I'm too large of a pill to swallow in just one sitting -- you've got to take me in small doses sometimes.

I look forward to sharing my life with you, educating you, learning FROM YOU while living, loving and laughing along the way.

Nice to meet you!!