Having been a
mother since the age of 16, if there’s one thing I’ve learned is “don’t
take it personal”. Although I’m speaking directly to my situation
concerning parenthood, the implications of and practices can be applied
in many areas of our lives. My husband of 6 years, however, has never
been exposed to or experienced raising children, and oftentimes finds
himself struggling over issues and areas concerning forgiveness, loving
the unlovable, and anger. I’m surely not saying that I have never
fallen victim to, or even occasionally engage in this type of behavior,
I’m simply stating – I have evolved and learned “not to take it
personal”.\
Having adult-teenaged children ranging from ages 18-26, I had to quickly learn the art and skill of meditation. I meditate when they’re “going off” and have an out-of-body experience jumping up and choking them. You see, I’ve come too far in my growth to regress – even for a much warranted choking.
So this morning’s exercise was dealing with my youngest son Jared. I remember earlier tweeting “I’m convinced that my children tag team me, taking turns to irritate me” – so true. At 19 years old, my son is in his rebellious stage; anything that I say “I’m wrong” or he will surely do the opposite. Perhaps I would be more effective if communicated with him like the hilarious Verizon commercial where the mother spoke the opposite of everything she wanted (or felt) to her daughter, recognizing they will in turn do the opposite of what we say, thus we get the outcomes we originally hoped.
His rebellion ranges from “thinking about” if he wanted to go to our local community college since he was back home after a semester away at a private college where he didn’t earn the grades entitling him to return with our financial backing. I simply reminded him to “think about” where he wanted to live – problem solved. Now that we’ve finally can afford to get our 2nd car back on the road, my husband and my son are both sharing the car so that on his late nights he will have transportation to and from home (classes end at 7 pm and 8 pm two nights a week). We have a non-negotiable house rule about smoking – I’m asthmatic, I abhor the smell, and it is not to be done in my home or in my car. My husband had personally cleaned and vacuumed the car this Monday afternoon, only to find cigarette ashes in it this morning. He confronts our son about it, who lies and says “he didn’t smoke in the car” – my husband goes ballistic yelling “he’s such a liar”. Now it’s my turn to address the issue, but instead of “asking him” did he smoke in the car, and knowing my children quite well, I simply state “why did you smoke in the car when you know the rules?” Separately, the response is the same to the both of us wherein he denied smoking in the car, however, my response came with a caveat – “I just put the cigarette out in the ashtray, but I didn’t smoke in the car” – you gotta love him. I calmly let him know “I’m aware that you would look at me and lie straight to my face, so the next time you smoke in the car, you will no longer be able to use it – it’s a privilege to use it, we have no responsibility to get you to school, so if you abuse this, you will lose it”, and I went on to loving him because he’s my son. My husband was livid, couldn’t understand how a person could lie to his face, and couldn’t move on to the “loving him”. It was then that I shared with my husband what I’ve learned: “don’t take it personal”, what he does and who he is currently, is not a direct attack on me – it’s all about him and his choices. If you milked a cow, would you expect to draw out lemonade? Surely not, so why then would we expect the truth from someone who lies? It makes no sense right? As long as we expect things from people greater than what they’re capable of giving, we will always remain in a state of anger, disappointment and confusion. I then had to remind my husband of a familiar story of the wife who would listen to her husband complain day in and day out of the lack of respect at his job, the fact that he hasn’t received a raise in 10 years, and how his job blatantly gave his job to the person whom he trained, putting him in a menial position. This man’s wife would complain in return – “we need more money”, “you’re always angry when you get home from work”, and “what are your future goals?”, “you should enroll in college courses to learn a new skillset so you can get a better job”. That wife drove herself crazy and always found herself upset and envious of other people, what they had and what she “thought” she didn’t; until one day, she decided “not to take it personal” and focus on her goals, her job, her school or whatever it was that she needed to focus on – and return to loving him. That person was me, and ever since that day, I resolved to be happy in spite of other people’s choices, and love the person even when their decisions, choices and actions may be contrary to mine.
My son knows that my relationship with God is of the most importance in my life, followed by my children and my marriage (think that order is wrong, that’s another blog), so Jared in turn has become a vocal atheist. Does this bother me? Enrage me? Worry me about his eternal soul? – of course it does, but I’ve learned “not to take it personal”. The Bible instructs me to “Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.” Proverbs 22:6 (NLT). If you read it the way that I have, our job as parents is to direct, instruct, train, and be an example of the path (communication, interactions, lifestyle, choices, behaviors, character, ethics and morality) they should embody so that when they are older – ah haaaaa (in my “Coming To America” voice), they will not leave it. Who determines at what age is “older”? It can be at 18, 25, 30, 60 or even 80+ years old – the Proverb tells us that there is a model to which we can “look back and reflect upon” to draw reference in order to emulate (to equal or surpass the model). The years from birth up until this year attending Church every Sunday – it was training! Singing in the Children’s Choir – it was training! Praying over him when he suffered from epileptic seizures where we both would scream out the name of the Lord to stop the convulsions – it was training! That means I don’t have worries about it, and when the time comes, I’m assured my son will have his life-changing “encounter with the Lord”.
So for today, whether it’s in your relationships, your job, your church or your home – “don’t take it personal” – focus on the Y-O-U (Your Own Utopia) and return to loving them.
Having adult-teenaged children ranging from ages 18-26, I had to quickly learn the art and skill of meditation. I meditate when they’re “going off” and have an out-of-body experience jumping up and choking them. You see, I’ve come too far in my growth to regress – even for a much warranted choking.
So this morning’s exercise was dealing with my youngest son Jared. I remember earlier tweeting “I’m convinced that my children tag team me, taking turns to irritate me” – so true. At 19 years old, my son is in his rebellious stage; anything that I say “I’m wrong” or he will surely do the opposite. Perhaps I would be more effective if communicated with him like the hilarious Verizon commercial where the mother spoke the opposite of everything she wanted (or felt) to her daughter, recognizing they will in turn do the opposite of what we say, thus we get the outcomes we originally hoped.
His rebellion ranges from “thinking about” if he wanted to go to our local community college since he was back home after a semester away at a private college where he didn’t earn the grades entitling him to return with our financial backing. I simply reminded him to “think about” where he wanted to live – problem solved. Now that we’ve finally can afford to get our 2nd car back on the road, my husband and my son are both sharing the car so that on his late nights he will have transportation to and from home (classes end at 7 pm and 8 pm two nights a week). We have a non-negotiable house rule about smoking – I’m asthmatic, I abhor the smell, and it is not to be done in my home or in my car. My husband had personally cleaned and vacuumed the car this Monday afternoon, only to find cigarette ashes in it this morning. He confronts our son about it, who lies and says “he didn’t smoke in the car” – my husband goes ballistic yelling “he’s such a liar”. Now it’s my turn to address the issue, but instead of “asking him” did he smoke in the car, and knowing my children quite well, I simply state “why did you smoke in the car when you know the rules?” Separately, the response is the same to the both of us wherein he denied smoking in the car, however, my response came with a caveat – “I just put the cigarette out in the ashtray, but I didn’t smoke in the car” – you gotta love him. I calmly let him know “I’m aware that you would look at me and lie straight to my face, so the next time you smoke in the car, you will no longer be able to use it – it’s a privilege to use it, we have no responsibility to get you to school, so if you abuse this, you will lose it”, and I went on to loving him because he’s my son. My husband was livid, couldn’t understand how a person could lie to his face, and couldn’t move on to the “loving him”. It was then that I shared with my husband what I’ve learned: “don’t take it personal”, what he does and who he is currently, is not a direct attack on me – it’s all about him and his choices. If you milked a cow, would you expect to draw out lemonade? Surely not, so why then would we expect the truth from someone who lies? It makes no sense right? As long as we expect things from people greater than what they’re capable of giving, we will always remain in a state of anger, disappointment and confusion. I then had to remind my husband of a familiar story of the wife who would listen to her husband complain day in and day out of the lack of respect at his job, the fact that he hasn’t received a raise in 10 years, and how his job blatantly gave his job to the person whom he trained, putting him in a menial position. This man’s wife would complain in return – “we need more money”, “you’re always angry when you get home from work”, and “what are your future goals?”, “you should enroll in college courses to learn a new skillset so you can get a better job”. That wife drove herself crazy and always found herself upset and envious of other people, what they had and what she “thought” she didn’t; until one day, she decided “not to take it personal” and focus on her goals, her job, her school or whatever it was that she needed to focus on – and return to loving him. That person was me, and ever since that day, I resolved to be happy in spite of other people’s choices, and love the person even when their decisions, choices and actions may be contrary to mine.
My son knows that my relationship with God is of the most importance in my life, followed by my children and my marriage (think that order is wrong, that’s another blog), so Jared in turn has become a vocal atheist. Does this bother me? Enrage me? Worry me about his eternal soul? – of course it does, but I’ve learned “not to take it personal”. The Bible instructs me to “Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.” Proverbs 22:6 (NLT). If you read it the way that I have, our job as parents is to direct, instruct, train, and be an example of the path (communication, interactions, lifestyle, choices, behaviors, character, ethics and morality) they should embody so that when they are older – ah haaaaa (in my “Coming To America” voice), they will not leave it. Who determines at what age is “older”? It can be at 18, 25, 30, 60 or even 80+ years old – the Proverb tells us that there is a model to which we can “look back and reflect upon” to draw reference in order to emulate (to equal or surpass the model). The years from birth up until this year attending Church every Sunday – it was training! Singing in the Children’s Choir – it was training! Praying over him when he suffered from epileptic seizures where we both would scream out the name of the Lord to stop the convulsions – it was training! That means I don’t have worries about it, and when the time comes, I’m assured my son will have his life-changing “encounter with the Lord”.
So for today, whether it’s in your relationships, your job, your church or your home – “don’t take it personal” – focus on the Y-O-U (Your Own Utopia) and return to loving them.
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