No, don't worry, my biological father wasn't a priest (now that would be even more scandalous), but I wasn't conceived under the best of circumstances. Something that I always prayed for, even BEFORE having an ounce of desire to search for my biological father -- was answers -- from God. I've always had a relationship with God where in my "darkest moments" I can seek Him in prayer and He will give me the answers to life's questions -- albeit, what career should I choose? how do I get from out of this situation? to the present topic: what were the circumstances surrounding the relationship of my biological parents? Was he married? The answer God gave me was "Yes, he was" -- it was later confirmed this week during my first conversation with Roland that he in fact was married.
Gaining the support of family and friends who I have shared this incredible series of events with have been mixed -- some are "all for" meeting Roland and discovering "the truth" -- even if it's only his version and what's left of his memory after 44 years; then there's one friend who isn't so much against meeting Roland, but cautions me "to keep my distance" and "to proceed with extreme caution". Having friends with varying advice doesn't help my cause as it's quite easy to sway me towards either "doing something" or "rejecting it in totality" -- there's no gray area in my world -- only Black and White -- you're going to be "all the way in" or "100% rejection of the idea, process or decision". My husband both supports and encourages me "to take this as far as necessary in search of the truth", which is actually quite ironic considering he has many unanswered questions surrounding his own paternity (but that's another blog right there!)
Who would've thought that in less than 24 hours my entire world would be turned inside out and upside down? I have so many mixed emotions with this new found relationship -- in one regard, I feel successful that I was able to encounter someone outside of family that "knew my mother personally"
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| Hilda Smith (left) |
as she died when I was only one years old. On the other hand, my thoughts are "what the heck did I get myself into? am I ready for the unknown .... what "Pandora's Box" will I be opening through this journey? I'm extremely sensitive to those memories of my adoptive father (always referred to as "Dad" or "my father"), as he was the fraternal twin to my biological mother Hilda.... what if I uncover some "unpleasant truth"? Do I share this information with my father or keep it to myself for the sake of preserving the only thing he has left of her besides myself -- his memories? So many questions, with no answers -- why would my mother sleep with a married man? was she in love with him or was it only a casual sexual relationship? who was that man in the few pictures we have of her -- was he my father or only a friend? why did she keep her pregnancy such a secret?
Well my biological mother and I have one thing in common -- "we'll take our secrets to the grave for sure!" ...
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