"STAND" for something or fall for anything...

... QUESTION: "What standards do you hold yourself accountable?" I realize that MANY of us don't have any type of standard. Standards are important because they mean "consistency, a model, a base component, unchanging". The opposite of this would be something that is "variable" -- changes, unstable, wavering, unsteady and unreliable. It is important that we connect to SOMETHING that will serve as our standard so that we can hold ourselves accountable and more importantly MEASURABLE.  

 

I'm 5'0" tall, and the "standard weight" for my frame would be somewhere around 120 lbs. I'm clearly 100 lbs OVER my standard weight -- in this instance, I'm NOT OPERATING EFFECTIVELY nor efficiently; my heart has to work 2-3x as hard to pump, my blood pressure is elevated, I'm easily winded and I'm wearing larger clothes -- just to name a few of the adverse effects of NOT be aligned with my "standard". So in this area, I have failed to meet the standard and if I want to have a BETTER LIFE, I would first need to: 1.) RECOGNIZE and ADMIT I've fallen below the standard; 2.) want to change; 3.) create a plan of action and 4.) put the plan of action in motion. 

Now conversely, there is another standard in which I have met or exceeded -- working in excellence. This standard requires that whatever mission or task you take on, you operate with a "standard of excellence"; meaning, no shortcuts that would compromise your ethics or compromise the integrity of others; you are RELIABLE and DEPENDABLE -- you are "the person that gets the job done" and "the go to guy"; a service or product of excellence is EXPECTED from you because those around you know the higher level in which you operate. It can be as simple as taking on the task to provide a meal for an event -- things WILL happen of course, but you have a standard to uphold no matter what -- even if one of the meals you were preparing accidentally burns, you have a STANDARD that won't allow you to serve THAT MEAL and you will find a resource to replace that dish -- because you have A STANDARD. 

Standards change as we evolve and change -- as you practice operating within your standard you will eventually outgrow it where it needs to be changed -- this is a good thing; it means that now you are called to an even HIGHER LEVEL of accountability because YOUR STANDARDS ARE HIGHER. I'm encouraging those of you today, who DO NOT have a standard they currently live by, to seek one out, attach yourself to it, and live by it with every fiber of your being. Ask yourself today – can anyone “STAND” on who I am and what I have to offer? If the answer is “no”, do something about it.

A Black Mother's "ABC's"

From the moment the jury instructions were read, and the jury dismissed, it was not only George Zimmerman and his defense team who waited on edge, but the entire country was on "verdict watch". To be perfectly honest, many minorities lacked trust in the judicial system as a whole, but had a secret longing and deep hope that "for once, we will see justice". 

As a minority, it wasn't only the fact that Trayvon Martin was Black -- that's too simplistic and general; but the fact that he was an unarmed, 17 year old boy who was wearing clothing similar to what is in any of our children's closets and dressers was "too close to home" and extremely problematic for us -- it could've been ANY of our sons. Recognizing that we tend to evoke emotions to those things that impact us personally, as a Black mother, I simply need to just look at any one of my sons -- or your Black son -- and see Trayvon.

Sure this country wants to have a "kumbaya" moment (translated as "Come by Heah") when it comes to the issue of race relations, but does America truly embrace Blacks "coming by" -- anywhere? The hypocrisy. 

The truth is, Blacks are different -- we all are. Yes, we can serve the same Lord and Savior, but when it comes down to equal distribution of those rights, freedoms, liberties and even love on a human level, we fall short. So we are instead, left with our own individual choices, thoughts and demonstrations of mercy, kindness -- even compassion.

Our plights are different -- we can attempt to clean up this statement up all we want, but trash is still yet trash -- and it stinks. When a White mother has her male son, her worries about him include breaking an arm, jumping out of a tree; and when he enters his teenage years: drinking and driving or speeding and crashing the car -- most if not all of which, can be avoided simply by making "good choices". But what about waking up every day to being a Black male? are our choices the same as any this other child born to a White mother? No.

As a Black mother, from the moment our children are able to start testing boundaries such as touching a hot oven, we begin the conversation with our children such as "touch the oven, you will get burned"; but as they get older and start to understand and ask the question "why" concerning Whites, Blacks and the Police, we give them "The Talk" -- no not about sex, but about the responsibility and weight of living in America -- Black. It's called "A Black Mother's ABC's" (A Black Man Can) when encountering the Police While Black...

1. A Black Male CAN: be killed by a Police Officer for displaying a toy gun, so DO NOT carry one outside with you, even if it's just a toy.
2. A Black Male CAN: be pulled over in a car even if you're doing nothing wrong. Pull the car over in a WELL LIT area. Hit the "record button" on your cell phone's video camera to record the entire stop. If you can't, call home and put the phone on speakerphone. KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE WHEEL AT ALL TIMES. DO NOT reach for anything without first asking the Officer for permission to make a move should you need to get a document or a piece of identification.
3. A Black Male CAN: get in more serious trouble for the same crime than a White man; so you can go out and smoke weed with your White friends if you want, perhaps to your peril; but if you get caught, they're more likely get off through their lawyer or receive a small "slap on the wrist" while you'll be sentenced to jail time. Matter of fact -- how about you just stay drug free, because it's the BEST LIFE you can have anyhow!
4. A Black Male CAN: be racially profiled and confronted by a Police Officer while walking on the street, and asked to produce identification. Use your cell phone to videotape the encounter or call home and put the phone on speakerphone. If the Officer demands you "hang up the phone", advise him/her that you are calling your mother/father to ensure that your rights are being protected because "you don't feel safe". Get the Officer's name and try to memorize his badge number.
5. A Black Male CAN: be hurt if he resists arrest; even if you are innocent and have done nothing wrong, DO NOT RESIST, because if you do, this will give the Officer "justification" to use excessive force. Remember that most police cars these days have a video camera (with audio recording) installed in the dashboard. As your mother, I will make SURE we get copies of this video released under the Open Public Records Act; if the Officer is acting improperly or illegally, we will get the proof.

So My Dear Son, you must be extremely careful, because you are an endangered species. You must be aware of your surroundings at all times. You must take "extra caution" when making decisions on the most basic things in life, even if it's within a group of your peers, and "everybody's doing it". You remember these basic ABC's and you will for the most part survive an encounter with the Police; but make no mistake, there are many other "faceless enemies" you will encounter as well -- you just need to stay a step ahead and always remember -- you ARE different, you are a Black male living in White America.

Love,
Mom

A Penny For My Thoughts

Many of my readers have been reaching out to me individually requesting that I address (answer) their personal questions within my blog -- I say YES, and BRING IT ON!!

Send your questions (stories) to me directly via email: whatpennysays@gmail.com

You can also follow me on FB and send a private inbox message on the "What Penny Says" facebook page:

"What Penny Says"

I will attempt to answer ALL of my inbox questions within my blog and thank you in advance for your continued support. You guys rock!! <3

Penny

Parents: "Don't Take It Personal"

I wrote this as a note over a year ago on my Facebook page, but came across it today... I think it is fitting for my blog.

Having been a mother since the age of 16, if there’s one thing I’ve learned is “don’t take it personal”.  Although I’m speaking directly to my situation concerning parenthood, the implications of and practices can be applied in many areas of our lives. My husband of 6 years, however, has never been exposed to or experienced raising children, and oftentimes finds himself struggling over issues and areas concerning forgiveness, loving the unlovable, and anger.  I’m surely not saying that I have never fallen victim to, or even occasionally engage in this type of behavior, I’m simply stating – I have evolved and learned “not to take it personal”.\

Having adult-teenaged children ranging from ages 18-26, I had to quickly learn the art and skill of meditation.  I meditate when they’re “going off” and have an out-of-body experience jumping up and choking them.  You see, I’ve come too far in my growth to regress – even for a much warranted choking.

So this morning’s exercise was dealing with my youngest son Jared. I remember earlier tweeting “I’m convinced that my children tag team me, taking turns to irritate me” – so true.  At 19 years old, my son is in his rebellious stage; anything that I say “I’m wrong” or he will surely do the opposite.  Perhaps I would be more effective if communicated with him like the hilarious Verizon commercial where the mother spoke the opposite of everything she wanted (or felt) to her daughter, recognizing they will in turn do the opposite of what we say, thus we get the outcomes we originally hoped.
His rebellion ranges from “thinking about” if he wanted to go to our local community college since he was back home after a semester away at a private college where he didn’t earn the grades entitling him to return with our financial backing.  I simply reminded him to “think about” where he wanted to live – problem solved. Now that we’ve finally can afford to get our 2nd car back on the road, my husband and my son are both sharing the car so that on his late nights he will have transportation to and from home (classes end at 7 pm and 8 pm two nights a week).  We have a non-negotiable house rule about smoking – I’m asthmatic, I abhor the smell, and it is not to be done in my home or in my car.  My husband had personally cleaned and vacuumed the car this Monday afternoon, only to find cigarette ashes in it this morning.  He confronts our son about it, who lies and says “he didn’t smoke in the car” – my husband goes ballistic yelling “he’s such a liar”. Now it’s my turn to address the issue, but instead of “asking him” did he smoke in the car, and knowing my children quite well, I simply state “why did you smoke in the car when you know the rules?” Separately, the response is the same to the both of us wherein he denied smoking in the car, however, my response came with a caveat – “I just put the cigarette out in the ashtray, but I didn’t smoke in the car” – you gotta love him. I calmly let him know “I’m aware that you would look at me and lie straight to my face, so the next time you smoke in the car, you will no longer be able to use it – it’s a privilege to use it, we have no responsibility to get you to school, so if you abuse this, you will lose it”, and I went on to loving him because he’s my son.  My husband was livid, couldn’t understand how a person could lie to his face, and couldn’t move on to the “loving him”. It was then that I shared with my husband what I’ve learned:  “don’t take it personal”, what he does and who he is currently, is not a direct attack on me – it’s all about him and his choices.  If you milked a cow, would you expect to draw out lemonade? Surely not, so why then would we expect the truth from someone who lies? It makes no sense right? As long as we expect things from people greater than what they’re capable of giving, we will always remain in a state of anger, disappointment and confusion.  I then had to remind my husband of a familiar story of the wife who would listen to her husband complain day in and day out of the lack of respect at his job, the fact that he hasn’t received a raise in 10 years, and how his job blatantly gave his job to the person whom he trained, putting him in a menial position. This man’s wife would complain in return – “we need more money”, “you’re always angry when you get home from work”, and “what are your future goals?”, “you should enroll in college courses to learn a new skillset so you can get a better job”.  That wife drove herself crazy  and always found herself upset and envious of other people, what they had and what she “thought” she didn’t; until one day, she decided “not to take it personal” and focus on her goals, her job, her school or whatever it was that she needed to focus on – and return to loving him.  That person was me, and ever since that day, I resolved to be happy in spite of other people’s choices, and love the person even when their decisions, choices and actions may be contrary to mine.

My son knows that my relationship with God is of the most importance in my life, followed by my children and my marriage (think that order is wrong, that’s another blog), so Jared in turn has become a vocal atheist.  Does this bother me? Enrage me? Worry me about his eternal soul? – of course it does, but I’ve learned “not to take it personal”.  The Bible instructs me to “Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.”  Proverbs 22:6 (NLT).  If you read it the way that I have, our job as parents is to direct, instruct, train, and be an example of the path (communication, interactions, lifestyle, choices, behaviors, character, ethics and morality) they should embody so that when they are older – ah haaaaa (in my “Coming To America” voice), they will not leave it.  Who determines at what age is “older”? It can be at 18, 25, 30, 60 or even 80+ years old – the Proverb tells us that there is a model to which we can “look back and reflect upon” to draw reference in order to emulate (to equal or surpass the model).  The years from birth up until this year attending Church every Sunday – it was training! Singing in the Children’s Choir – it was training! Praying over him when he suffered from epileptic seizures where we both would scream out the name of the Lord to stop the convulsions – it was training! That means I don’t have worries about it, and when the time comes, I’m assured my son will have his life-changing “encounter with the Lord”.

So for today, whether it’s in your relationships, your job, your church or your home – “don’t take it personal” – focus on the Y-O-U (Your Own Utopia) and return to loving them.

"Paula Deen Needs To Talk With Oprah?" --- No, She Just Needs "To Talk With God"

Okay, I'm a little bit blown away by this one: Paul Friederichsen, a successful PR Specialist went on record to say "Paula Deen needs to engage the black community to clean up her soiled image after admitting she's used racial slurs," and went on to suggest that "she really needs to speak with Oprah".... Excuse me?! What the "H-E-double hockey sticks" does that mean??!! Do you think that African Americans believe that Oprah is some form of demigod in which ALL Black people listen to and are influenced? Granted, in advertising and marketing --- even within investing, the word "The Oprah Effect" describes Oprah Winfrey's power of persuasion in purchasing (or boycotting), supporting (or rejecting), as in CNBC Carl Quintanilla’s 2009 report, and now even ways to live a more enriching life through Oprah's Life Class. However, to assume and furthermore suggest that Blacks don't have their own thoughts, opinions, likes, dislikes and dreams without external influences is asinine -- and quite honestly, offensive. 

We have Paula Deen, a celebrity chef and TV personality of Southern roots with many accolades to her accomplishments of the same -- 14 cookbooks, a TV show, restaurateur, and the face of the "Paula Deen Magazine". And then there was "The N word" -- I'll say it -- "Nigger" -- and then all hell breaks loose, along with her sponsorships. These sponsorships include, but are not limited to: Novo Nordisk, Target, Wal-Mart, Home Depot, Sears, The Food Network, QVC, KMart, Smithfield Foods, Caesars Entertainment and Random House's Ballantine Books. Wow, a pretty impressive dossier!!  

She stood to lose a lot; some may even call it "her empire". Her loss was based on one wrong move, and as we know "the media will love you when you're up, and kick you in the back, then turn you around to kick you in the face when you're down". 

Q Okay. Have you ever used the N word yourself?

A Yes, of course.

Q Okay. In what context?

A Well, it was probably when a black man burst into the bank that I was working at and put a gun to my head.

And then there's Lisa Jackson, one of her former restaurant managers, alleging the following statement from Deen when responding to the desired attired for the wait staff at her brother Bubba's wedding:

“Well what I would really like is a bunch of little niggers to wear long-sleeve white shirts, black shorts and black bow ties, you know in the Shirley Temple days, they used to tap dance around.” …“Now that would be a true southern wedding, wouldn’t it? But we can’t do that because the media would be on me about that.”

Remnants of slavery and racism are still everywhere -- So why all the hoopla? Paula Deen simply said how she felt according to "her truths" -- point blank. Now granted, her admission of using the word "nigger" aka "the N word", occurred over 20 years ago prior to her becoming the celebrity chef guru of today.  According to her accounts, it came at a time of extreme duress -- a bank robbery. Being empathetic, let's place ourselves in her position, where "life and death" are one of two imminent realities as a gunman holds a loaded weapon to your head -- what would be your thoughts? Your feelings?

Let’s move past Paula for a moment and examine other celebrities who have made racist statements -- some wholeheartedly appeared to be remorseful while some have never apologized for their actions: 

Back in 2010, John Meyer stated in a Playboy interview (yes, there's more content than just the pictures) “If you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass”. Or Former MLB Pitcher John Rocker -- Michael Richards aka "Kramer" -- "Dog the Bounty Hunter" -- and who can forget Don Imus' "nappy-headed hos". Or how about Laura Schlessinger aka "Dr. Lauara"? I know my mother and countless other African American women tuned into her radio show listening to her shelling out advice. In one particular on-air call, Dr. Laura was speaking to a Black female caller who was sharing her issues and expressing her concerns with her racist in-laws. Here's what the beloved Dr. Laura had to say: "If you're that hypersensitive about color and don't have a sense of humor, don't marry out of your race", and not without accusing the caller of having a "black think" mentality. Sure she would quickly apologize, but truth of the matter is -- that's how she felt. These sentiments are echoed time and time again with other celebrities caught "vocalizing what they truly feel in their hearts" -- wake up America!! Does it make them a racist? subjective; should we disassociate ourselves with them and their brand? Objective.

Candidly speaking, this has more to do with two completely separate issues.  One is the issue of "White Repentance" -- slavery is part of America's history, it was cruel and it was wrong; there is simply no other way around this fact. It has forever changed the face, plight and even acceptance of who and what African Americans are in this present day and will be in the future -- in the workplace, in society and even within their homes and families. White people are and will forever be "guilty for slavery" and considered "unrehabilitated" and "unrepentant" for every act of racism.

Secondly, and probably the bigger issue -- the infamous "bottom line". Economics 101 teaches us one of the basic principles as to why a business is created: to gain a customer. Simply put "money is green" and the hands that hold, conduct and transact business with it come in all colors, and businesses recognize this. They're not ignorant to the fact that there is power in in Black consumerism. Just take a look back to the 1965 Montgomery Bus boycotts -- yes, the Supreme Court ruled the segregation of the transportation system unconstitutional, but prior to that white business owners felt "the pinch" of the loss of Black consumers who no longer would not only ride the buses but also were no longer their customers. Is Walmart really willing to compromise the revenue stream of their Black patrons -- certainly not; neither is Kmart, Target or Home Depot. Even Novo Nordisk whose Victoza is one of their top-selling drugs within their portfolio, treats a portion of over 4.9 million African Americans affected with Diabetes. And it will continue to be about money, because I dare to say that these corporations don't give a damn about Black America -- only their money. Just take a quick look at some of these Paula Deen defectors -- what does the face of their executives look like? Well, according to a search of Walmart's website conducted today, of the 38 executive profiles, only two -- that's 2 -- "dos" (Spanish) -- "deux" (French) -- "due" (Italian) -- "zwei" (German) and "twee" in Dutch are African Americans, and zero are African American women -- go figure. So what am I saying? Well, I think I've said it or maybe I haven't: "If Paula Deen's corporate defectors want to TRULY DEMONSTRATE their offense to her racial epithet(s), they can start with a solidified commitment to augmenting the face of their executive management teams to mirror one that embodies the beauty of the various spectrum of American cultures".

Personally and quite honestly, Paula Deen is a "zero factor" in my daily thoughts and I surmise the thoughts of countless others -- if a product is zero, then one or all of the factors are zero as well. While true, a zero will always serve its purpose, that is, until the next number comes along. Then it's as if it never existed. So no, Paula Deen doesn’t need Oprah Winfrey – she just needs to talk with God.

The Scarlet Letter

No, don't worry, my biological father wasn't a priest (now that would be even more scandalous), but I wasn't conceived under the best of circumstances. Something that I always prayed for, even BEFORE having an ounce of desire to search for my biological father -- was answers -- from God. I've always had a relationship with God where in my "darkest moments" I can seek Him in prayer and He will give me the answers to life's questions -- albeit, what career should I choose? how do I get from out of this situation? to the present topic: what were the circumstances surrounding the relationship of my biological parents? Was he married? The answer God gave me was "Yes, he was" -- it was later confirmed this week during my first conversation with Roland that he in fact was married.

Gaining the support of family and friends who I have shared this incredible series of events with have been mixed -- some are "all for" meeting Roland and discovering "the truth" -- even if it's only his version and what's left of his memory after 44 years; then there's one friend who isn't so much against meeting Roland, but cautions me "to keep my distance" and "to proceed with extreme caution".  Having friends with varying advice doesn't help my cause as it's quite easy to sway me towards either "doing something" or "rejecting it in totality" -- there's no gray area in my world -- only Black and White -- you're going to be "all the way in" or "100% rejection of the idea, process or decision".  My husband both supports and encourages me "to take this as far as necessary in search of the truth", which is actually quite ironic considering he has many unanswered questions surrounding his own paternity (but that's another blog right there!)

Who would've thought that in less than 24 hours my entire world would be turned inside out and upside down? I have so many mixed emotions with this new found relationship -- in one regard, I feel successful that I was able to encounter someone outside of family that "knew my mother personally"

Hilda Smith (left)

as she died when I was only one years old. On the other hand, my thoughts are "what the heck did I get myself into? am I ready for the unknown .... what "Pandora's Box" will I be opening through this journey? I'm extremely sensitive to those memories of my adoptive father (always referred to as "Dad" or "my father"), as he was the fraternal twin to my biological mother Hilda.... what if I uncover some "unpleasant truth"? Do I share this information with my father or keep it to myself for the sake of preserving the only thing he has left of her besides myself -- his memories? So many questions, with no answers -- why would my mother sleep with a married man? was she in love with him or was it only a casual sexual relationship? who was that man in the few pictures we have of her -- was he my father or only a friend? why did she keep her pregnancy such a secret?

Well my biological mother and I have one thing in common -- "we'll take our secrets to the grave for sure!" ...

A Belated Father's Day

Yesterday, I shared my experiences surrounding the quest to locate my biological father.

I TRULY believe that EVERYTHING in my life -- the good, the bad, and the ugly has been all for a purpose -- a future revelation that God will reveal to me at a specific time, later in my life. The answer to "why didn't my biological father make an attempt to find his daughter", was revealed 43 years later -- today -- he is found.
You see God set this all up in motion years ago when He gave me the idea to start an asset recovery and funds locator company called Unclaimed Finance. One of the main functions of this business is to identify and locate through "skip tracing" methods (similar to that of a vehicle repossession company). With the advances in technology and massive amounts of personal information being made available through the internet as well as other private software subscription services, you can locate almost anyone.

I finally had been given a full name, and I knew that he lived in New York -- that was my starting point. Using my subscription service for my business, I found a hit on the internet for Roland -- so I made the call at 9 pm on Monday, June 24th, 2013. The person on the other end of the line was a young gentleman, he didn't provide a name, gave very scant information, but acknowledged that he did in fact "know Roland" and that he received mail at his house. I quickly realized that in order to "get information, you have to give a little information"; that's when I disclosed that I was calling "to try and locate my biological father". Leaving my name, deceased mother's name, telephone and mobile phone number, the telephone call ended, but not before I asked for at least the "courtesy of a phone call to advise whether the message was successfully passed on".

I slept in late this morning until about 9 am to the wakening of the house phone ringing -- I immediately noticed that the same number had attempted to contact me on my cell phone as well. "I don't know anyone from a (347) area code I thought to myself" -- perhaps it's a recruiter calling me for a consulting job. I answer the phone -- it was him -- it was Roland -- it was my father.

I've waited for at least 20 years of my adult life wondering "what would I say to Roland if I ever had the opportunity" -- today was my chance. One of the first things that I needed resolution to was the obvious "why didn't you try to find me?". For years I swore without a doubt I knew the answer to this question of which there could NEVER be any appropriate response to bring the type of solace that I required -- I was wrong. While there were and still remain a few missing pieces of information, I had to make the choice to either a.) neurotically focus on these finer points and continuously beat the issue to death or b.) relax -- relate -- release; in other words "que sera sera" (that will be, will be). I decided to take the later approach -- and forgive. My Pastor once preached a sermon about "The Power of Forgiveness", in which he said "forgiveness releases one's indebtedness to another" -- my father no longer was indebted to me for the past -- any of it, he was now released of the debt.

There is truth to "nature vs. nurture" -- I was never raised with my father and never knew anything about him until today, yet we shared MANY similarities -- from his prior military service (I always dreamed of having a career in the military; at age 18 I took the entrance placement exams in which I scored exceptionally high, however upon my physical examination I was disqualified because of my asthma. We both are avid learners -- he spoke very eloquently, and I've been told I do the same; if I could be a "career student" I would be in my zone as I enjoy every step of the learning process. There were many more similarities which only peaked my curiosity even more to get to know him a little bit better.

I was touched by the fact that at one point during the call, he experienced an "emotional moment" where he cried and said "he truly believes there is a God above, and feels overwhelmingly blessed at this moment in time" -- I concur. It was important for me to let Roland know that I have been blessed to have GREAT PARENTS who love and care for me as if they were my own biological parents, but always encouraged me to look for him. We made tentative plans to meet face-to-face in New York on this coming Saturday, along with my children and husband -- let's see what the future holds for us, I'm willing.

.... oh and that "nameless guy" I made initial contact with? turns out he's my brother!

The search is over -- now the healing begins. HyperSmash