Seems like we have a lot of "Houdini Marriages" these days.... it's all a grand illusion, where nothing is as it appears. The combination of smiles and happiness are only "smoke and mirrors" -- can you see clearly through it all? I can't.
I've been accused by many as "being too transparent" in my marriage, citing controversial posts I've made in the past on Facebook. Granted, I may have taken my civil liberties using the expression of free speech to the extreme -- pushing sometimes what may appear to be irreconcilable boundaries, but that's who I am. I cannot appear to be something that I'm not. If I'm unhappy in my marriage, then I say so; there's no illusion to my misery. I decided from Day 1 of my marriage that I refused to live in a "private hell". My husband knew this before saying "I do" and placing that ring on my finger symbolizing a never-ending bond. Now the real question most likely was "did he think I had the guts to follow through?" -- Yes I did.
Make no mistake, I'm not saying I'm unhappy in my marriage, in fact, FINALLY after almost 7 years of being married, I'm loving him more than I ever COULD HAVE on my wedding day. I use the word "could have" because at that time, on my wedding day, I selfishly was fulfilling my longing desire to be married. Yes, I did love my husband, but I truly "fell in love with him" much later. It's because I had to "let me go" -- all the selfish reasons that led up to me standing on that altar next to him and committing my life to him, and that took -- time. Honestly, how easy could it be for a woman marrying at the age of 36 to let go of being in control, when she already had four children, raising them as a single parent? You don't look at a body builder's physique and think it "just appeared" -- it was the perfection of that which was built over time. The same held true for my independence and strength -- it was the culmination of heartache, heartbreak, pregnancy, labor, delivery, loss, despair, homelessness, unemployment, despair, injustice, incarceration, judgment, rehabilitation, repentance, reconciliation, rejoicing, and then -- release and letting go. Many people have had similar journeys, but not all will cross the finish line as they have checked out early in the race, because they lacked one thing -- faith; Faith that one day "it can get better"; The faith that one day "I can be better".
So what we have instead, is a society where countless marriages are a farce -- whether they are a famous celebrity or your local hometown couple, are as real as unicorns -- or that swallowing gum will take years for your body to digest -- or throwing a coin off the Empire State Building could kill someone. I think you get my point.
To some, it is more important to "save face" and "keep up appearances"; they can't face the fact (to themselves) or others that they may have ---- wait for it --- married the wrong person. So instead, they opt to live not only a marriage that's a lie, but a life that's a lie. Oh they know how to smile, even use a pseudo-emotion of affection when using the words "my husband" or "my wife" in a conversation, but in reality it full of emptiness, because the marriage -- is empty.
I recall being at a function in Connecticut recently, where a question was posed to the couples in the arena, where they were asked "would you give you life for your husband (wife)". Without hesitation, my husband and I looked at each other, and knew INSTANTLY, without hesitation, we would. We understood that without the other, a part of us would die that day, so who died was of little consequence -- we were one. What was interesting was observing the response of one couple, who had "the appearance" of strong marriage -- they were completely silent. It wasn't a situation either where the wife quickly responded "yes, of course" and there was a delay on the husband's side (or vice versa), but one where NEITHER reacted. Damn.
Now I try extremely hard not only not to listen to gossip, but also not to engage in it as well. Gossip is a dangerous drug; I call it a drug, because if you try it once, there's a strong chance of future addiction. There is some information, however, you hear (whether you decide to listen is totally voluntary), that contains the truth. So I hear "rumblings" of certain fake marriages, and I keep going about my business, because that's YOUR business; but what I don't like is when you put on this theatrical performance at various engagements, post on social media platforms, or in the Church. Yes, I know you're probably thinking "who the hell does Penny think she is?" Sorry, this is my blog, and quite honestly, I think I'm pretty important. My point: stop being fake, it is what it is; and if the gossip that precedes you is true, DO NOT go on social media speaking about marriages as if you're the authority -- you need to be a client.
So where my transparency in my own marriage may have appeared to be the wrong moves to others, for me it was quite therapeutic. One, I'm not one to keep my feelings bottled up; the times that I have, have proven to be quite toxic and lethal -- not only to myself, but unfortunately to the ones that I love. Secondly, I have to stay true to myself; and that meant my keeping a promise to myself that I will never, ever, be in a private hell (again). You see, in my past, if I was stronger and spoke out against the atrocities in my life while in a relationship with my children's father who was a heroin addict, I would've let someone know we were hungry -- but I couldn't because I was embarrassed; or that we were being evicted, but I couldn't because I was embarrassed; or hurting -- but I couldn't because I was embarrassed. And so I sat -- in my private hell -- and smiled.
I'm not in any way telling anyone "to leave your husband (wife"), but I'm telling you to be strong and take control. Abuse happens when the abuser knows that he (she) has not only physical, but emotional control over their victim. Simply put, when a woman allows a man to play upon on her insecurities and fears of public embarrassment and humiliation, she now becomes his new tenant in a private hell. I've been evicted before, so I'll gladly pack my bags with this one.
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