"Desperately Seeking Roland"

... well actually I'm not "desperate", just "curious" and want closure, but the blog title sounded intriguing, maybe in my heart of hearts it's how I honestly feel -- today.

This story starts back in 1969, no make that 1968 because that's when my biological mother would have became pregnant. Her name was Hilda Smith, she was 28 years old at the time, pregnant with her first and only child. Born in Bermuda, she was one of three children, and the second half of a twin birth on February 12, 1940.

In 1970, when I was only a year and a half my mother died of Lupus. Today, advances have been made where many people are able to live with the disease and enjoy a substantial quality of life. She died in a hospital room in New York City -- alone; not because she didn't have anyone who cared about her, in fact her twin brother and his wife (my adoptive parents) would take turns visiting her almost daily traveling from Morristown, NJ. However, on that one fateful day, her life would come to an end. I often wonder how she must have felt "knowing she was dying" and leaving her young infant daughter. The impact of that alone, didn't become as prevalent as it is now until I became a mother -- and grandmother. The thought of trying to hold on -- trying to get better when all of your hair has fallen out and your organs have shut down -- but you can no longer -- hold. If any reason was the main factor as to why I NEVER attempted to locate my biological father -- it would be this. As a woman -- a mother -- a daughter, how could I possibly justify this within myself to make it "okay" that HE wasn't there? I couldn't -- until today. Even now I'm not giving him ANY justification, but I will give him this -- compassion.

So who IS my father? What was "their story"? What would keep a man away from his child? When I look for the answer to this, I'm reminded of how much God loves us, whom we HAVE NOT seen and that NOTHING can separate us -- this is my view on our biological fathers as well: "Can anything separate us from the love of Christ? Can trouble, suffering, and hard times, or hunger and nakedness, or danger and death?"

Was my father in trouble with the law? on hard times? homeless? -- or dead? I need a reason -- ANY REASON to justify why he wasn't there as my mother took her last breath, reassuring her that she can "let go in peace" as he would raise his daughter -- everything was going to be okay. Instead, he was not there at the hospital, nor the funeral and sent one envelope 43 years ago containing $35 to my adoptive parents -- never did we hear another word from him again. You might say, "well maybe I moved?", or "the phone number changed" -- sorry, but my parents have lived at the same address for over 45 years -- it was EASY to find me -- but almost impossible to find him.

I needed answers, and my relationship with God gave them to me through revelations during times of prayer -- he was a married man, had a child and was dating my mother. He couldn't claim me, because no one knew about her -- so they definitely couldn't know about me. He thought about me -- wondered if I was okay, still alive -- married? children? healthy? but he let too much time pass by, and now he's embarrassed and ashamed -- what could he possibly say to make things right, heck even approach me? He needs to know that I WASN'T always okay -- I've been broken in spirit and kicked down by life many times; I was a teenage mother at age 16, and by the age 24, I had four children by a heroine addict that kept us penniless and always lacking; I've been homeless and hungry; I've been in prison and my children have been in trouble; I'm a mother, a wife, and a grandmother -- but through it all I SURVIVED and turned my life around. He probably wondered how he would start that conversation -- how about start with "I'm your father" -- we could take it from there. 

I'm a pretty spontaneous person -- extremely random; I rarely keep the same enthusiasm about an idea, creation, or new project for long -- I'm already onto the next big thing. So the desire to locate my father would come and go in spurts -- and waves -- of should I? why should I? I've always been here, he could've found me -- to "he's getting old and may even be dead now -- it's time to forgive". I take my relationship with God very seriously, and honestly I'm not willing to give up the chance I may or may not have seeing God face to face one day because of my absent father -- then I've given him all the power in my life -- and no one gets my power -- no one. 

So today, on June 24, 2013 at approximately 9 pm, I utilized an internet search engine to find the best and most cost effective database to begin my search -- I got a hit. I made the phone call, but it was either a relative or the current resident who "knows who he is". If this person is in fact my father, what little information I was given from this 20 minute phone call, would prove that "nature" is just as strong as "nurture" -- he's an intellect and well educated; I'm well known in my community for being considered "an intellect" (although quite honestly, I believe I'm "just average"), and I have my Master's Degree in Pharmaceutical Studies Management; He was in the Military -- I've always had an undying and relentless desire to be in the Military, but those dreams dissipated when I couldn't pass my entrance physical exam because I had severe asthma -- today, I'm a Government contractor providing services to the Military. 

The voice on the other end without a name took my name and number -- if this IS you Roland, you've been given a second chance -- one of unmerited favor -- let's see if you make that call.


HyperSmash