"Get Him Dirty.... Keeps It Dirty"

A few days ago, an old friend of mine contacted me by inbox wanting to talk.  During our conversation, she frustratingly discussed how "she's wasted years on a dead relationship", and "almost lost the good one God blessed her with". You'll get no judgements here, because I too once "chilled on the dark side of relationships" -- but then we grow up, or least we should.

Yes, I understand how men can willfully send "mixed signals", speak double talk, and just be outright evasive -- but that's the area that should make our decision simple -- LEAVE!! I will give a woman "a pass" if she's under 30 (heck, even by age 26 you should know better), but at some point we have to snap out of stupidity and into lucidity! How long will we use the excuses "I thought I was different", "He told me that the [their] relationship is over", "He's really a good man". Let me answer each one of these lies quickly and simply:  You're NOT different -- in fact, from the moment you became intimate with him, you became the same as any other woman.  " Let's be clear -- he's NOT good man. If you equate manipulation, lying, deceit and betrayal as the characteristics that a "good man" posses -- I hate to see what you call a "bad one". 

So he's married or in a relationship and even knowing this, you decide to engage -- because you're different, or maybe you just don't give a damn honestly. There's a modern slang word for that used these days on a host of reality tv shows -- it's called "rachet". According to the Urban Dictionary, the word "rachet" means "crazy" or "nasty" -- in this case she would meet both definitions of the word.  She's crazy to think that the relationship she can have with this unavailable man will be anything but drama and heartbreak; and she's nasty to share a man -- he's not a slice of pizza, or a slice of that delectable brownie sundae you share with a friend -- he's NOT YOURS!!

Let me share a few experiences just in case you're not sold on the idea that you CANNOT make a relationship "clean" if you got it dirty -- it's no different than money laundering -- dirty coming in, dirty going out. The year was back in 1988, about a year after I graduated high school (yes, I'm telling my age, let it be a sign of wisdom), and I started dating Rick (no his name isn't Rick, but for this blog his name is what? Rick). Rick always made a big deal about me staying home because he wanted his woman to be in the house and classy versus hanging out in the street. The REAL REASON why Rick wanted me in the house was that he had a girlfriend -- one that he was dating for about 3 years and everyone in town knew about "Rick and Cara". I had absolutely no reason to believe that he and Cara were still dating as I spent all of my after work hours with him. I did find it strange that we rarely went out in public however, but Rick was a crafty and cunning man where he always had an excuse as to why we didn't go places. By this time I was in love -- well for 19 years old, almost any form of direct attention from a man makes you feel this way. As I began to tell my friends about Rick, they would immediately say "but doesn't he go with Cara?"; I would respond "no they broke up a while ago, we've been dating for about 8 months now". You know when you hear something once, you can sometimes brush it off, but when you're hearing the same thing 2, 3, 4 and 5 times by different people, these are called LIFELINES. Whether we choose to use the lifelines or not is our choice -- many of us choose to live in our own delusion and ignorance just for the sake of avoiding being alone. It was a beautiful day in Morristown, NJ (where I grew up), and I was hanging out with some friends at a popular location, when I was approached by Cara who happened to drive by in a car packed with her friends while I stood on the side of the road talking with friends. She pulls me to the side and asks to speak with me privately and I complied. Looking back now, I can see that Cara was truly trying to handle this situation with the utmost finesse given the circumstances, but I on the other hand was on the offensive and ready "to rock" at a moment's notice. "Are you seeing Rick?" she asked; I responded "ask Rick". "Are you aware that he and I have been dating for years now, and we plan on getting married one day?", I respond "I guess I do now huh?". "And you don't feel bad about any of this now that I've told you everything?", I respond "honestly I don't, now have a nice day, I have to go", and I proudly walked away. Sounds like I told her huh? Not so quick -- Karma is real, and I got my dose not even in a pill form, but intravenously so it hit strong, hard and fast! 

I continued to date Rick, now fully knowing he was in a committed relationship (well partly, because where was HIS commitment), and I decided I would "share" and be "the other girl". Rick and I got closer and closer, and I fell more madly in love with him. Come to think of it, madness does describe my decision and choices to even be involved in this kind of relationship, but then again, I was 19, young and foolish. After a few months of dating our relationship had escalated into a sexual one -- a bond similar to crazy glue -- hard to break even when you're using all you've got to force it apart. Rick and I lived on the same street and he called me early one Saturday morning to meet him at his place so that he could give me a gift. The gift was beautiful -- a 14 carat gold bracelet inscribed "with all my love Rick" -- I was on top of the world and proudly flaunted his gift to everyone, especially the people I knew would tell Cara. What I didn't know was that this bracelet was a bribe -- to buy Rick some more time with me, because that weekend he would take Cara to the Poconos and get engaged. I happened to be visiting with a friend in Union, NJ about a 30 minute drive from my hometown when she gets the call to "tell Penny her boyfriend Rick just proposed and got engaged to Cara in the Poconos" -- I was devastated. I recall trying to drive home and at that time Vesta Williams had a song out ironically called "CONGRATULATIONS", and the words struck my heart like a machete, forget the knife:  

Saw an old friend on the street
She said today's your wedding
My heart stopped
The tears dropped

Saw my whole life pass me by
I had to see you, baby
I never ran so fast before
I rushed inside the chapel door
You were waitin' all alone
You turned around and heard me call

Congratulations
I thought it would have been me
Standin' here with you
Congratulations
I hope you're happy

'Cause as long as I can breathe
You'll always be the one for me

I cried so hard that I could barely drive my car, which at the time was a stick shift. I must have been driving erratically, because a Police Officer pulled me over, but when he approached the car door and saw how obviously distraught I was, he simply told me to pull over into the Dunkin Donuts parking lot and "get myself together before returning to the road to drive home". Needless to say, I had no choice but to leave the relationship, because it clearly had already left me -- in fact, it never was MY RELATIONSHIP, it was all of ours -- his, mine and hers! About 10 months had passed when I was out at a bar with friends and was feeling overwhelmingly lonely, so I decided I was going to drown my sorrows. While I was being successful at drowning, who walks into the bar and sits down a few seats away from me? Cara. Immediately I was reminded not only of my pain, but the obvious pain I must've caused her over a year ago when she confronted me about my relationship with Rick -- an apology was in order. Perhaps if I apologize, through this penance, I would be cleansed of my sins and break the spirit of Karma that was obviously kicking my butt and winning. "Cara, I just wanted to let you know that I was wrong for treating you so badly and a disrespectful coward for continuing in a relationship with Rick once you told me about your relationship with him....would you please forgive me?", I begged. You see -- I got him dirty, and it stayed dirty, even until the very end.

• Old neighbor of mine named Sheila worked with (for) Matt, who was happily married to Karen. They owned a home and had children and seemed very happy. Sheila was an attractive woman always stylish and trendy. Within month of her working under Matt -- she began "working under Matt". Matt left his wife and children and started dating Sheila openly. Now because Sheila was highly respected in the Church, she had to "clean it up" somehow -- so she and Matt were married. The first few years they seemed pretty happy and content, and even I for a moment thought to myself "well maybe this get him dirty stuff doesn't apply to every situation" -- ahhhhh but just wait and keep living a little longer. After 6 years, Sheila and Matt's marriage is over -- she thought in Matt she was getting "a prize" when in fact all she got was a "surprise". Karma wins again.
• My opening story involved my friend Candy who knowingly was dating a married man named Kevin. Kevin would receive telephone calls from his wife asking "where are you?", and he would lie and say he was somewhere else, when the truth was he was at Candy's house, who was his mistress. Eventually Kevin and his wife separated then divorced, which gave Candy the impression "she'd won and can now have Kevin to herself" -- wrong. On at least one occasion, Candy has caught a woman coming out of Kevin's house, whom he quickly clarified as "a friend" -- but it was 2 am, so she's "a friend with benefits". Candy was thrusted into the vicious cycle of on again/off again relationship with Kevin, his unwillingness to commit given was recently divorced. Karma wins again.

I could give COUNTLESS stories of instances where Karma has won.... in my opinion, it will ALWAYS WIN when you get him dirty.........